A Letter to President Oaks

    I recently saw this letter written by Kyle Pederson to Elder Oaks, and I found it to be very true and inspiring.

As can only be expected Elder Oaks responded without remorse.

Kyle's letter is so true, thats exactly what I thought when I heard Oak's talk in general conference, it takes bravery to stand up to a widely accepted closed mindedness and bigotry that unfortunately exists in the church and some of the brethren. Oaks and Packer will certainly be looked back on with shame for many of their statements as many members look back on the statements given by Bruce R McConkie and others, the fear of being looked on as walking off the path because we do not see things as others do, it can be hard to stand up for what we know is right, yay for the true pioneers like Kyle Pederson! I am also so very grateful for the leaders that we have that epitomize Christlike love and help us focus on the true meaning of the gospel such as my favorite apostle Dieter F. Uchtdorf.

My Scripture study notes.

      So every once and a while I'll go through my scripture study notes to remember those little personal revelations God gives me whether its in church, at home or out and about. so here are just a few, I'll post more later.

The atonement is like piano lessons, mom has already payed for the lessons, she does not ask for us to pay her back but to practice and improve ourselves that is what makes our mother proud, improving ourselves.

Christ said and did some controversial things.

its easy to die for christ, its hard to live for him.

I need to let go of any ill feeling toward anyone no matter how well justified.

Being perfect is being whole.

Aware Strong And The Gay Mormon Conflict

       

        So everything is going pretty good right now, I have now had three relationships and all have taught me something important.

The first I talked about a little in my last post. Ultimately lack of trust and his not being attracted to me killed that relationship. helping me see the importance of being aware. He was not really aware of how much it hurt me when he expressed his worry that I would not be muscular enough for him before we met in person. He is a good guy and we still keep in contact as friends but he is totally unaware of how such things can really hurt.
At this point I had already done away with the idea of marrying a woman someday, but having that experience really helped me see how a woman married to a gay man must feel. The feeling of not being wanted.
It is important to feel loved and wanted. Guy number one did not want me and it hurt. This is how women must feel when married to a gay man. they know that he loves them but that they do not feel wanted. it leaves you feeling undesirable and lowers self esteem.

Guy number two (my first boyfriend), helped me see the importance of finding a man strong in the gospel. He wanted to live the gospel and be active in the church but that desire and his testimony were not the strongest.
I learned later that he had  not been going to church for a while and that shortly before we broke up he had decided he was not going to be a mormon. He lied to me about the reasons for breaking up and I found out later that the text he sent me to initiate the break up was sent by a friend of his cause he was not man enough to do it himself. He now lives promiscuously with little thought for others.
He did have a testimony but the desire to do as he pleased despite what he knew to be right overwhelmed that testimony because it was not strong enough to surmount the challenges that gay mormons often face.

The last lesson learned was from my last boyfriend guy number three. He was my perfect match and I still love him if not as poignantly as before. We were perfect for each other. He is intellectual, more so than me in a way that helped me have a greater desire to improve those intellectual desires that I sometimes neglect. He was kind and  a perfect gentleman. Aware of how what he said was taken and strong in the gospel.
Unfortunately our perfect love could not last. His bishop discovered that he supported gay marriage and since this bishop was in a very Utah mormon part of Utah threatened to take away his temple recommend solely because of that support. luckily the bishop did not take away his recommend but it brought to guy three’s mind a conflict he had not fully resolved. that of someday being excommunicated.
I once had that same problem, so I was patient and hopeful that he would be able to become resolved to that fact. I do not believe that God honors the excommunication of someone who is unjustly excommunicated. they may be excommunicated from the organization itself but not to Christ fold itself. In fact a man who was excommunicated simply because he was attracted to men back when the church did that said this. All priesthood ordinances must be confirmed by the spirit. Baptism endowment etc, otherwise they are not valid in God’s eyes. Excommunication it turns out is a priesthood ordinance and it too must be confirmed by the spirit.
Unfortunately in the end guy three felt he must choose between “being mormon,” and “being gay.” So we broke up. I was very sad to say the least, but since the time that I almost committed suicide nothing gets me down for too long.
One of the great things from my relationship with guy three is that it gave me hope that there are other gay mormon men out there that want what I want. To live the gospel marry a man and raise a family in the church and in the gospel. It also gave me patience to find that special someone and to not stoop to a man unworthy of my romantic love as I had done with guy one and two. though I still wish for a boyfriend and ultimately a husband. I can wait, and I am no longer in such a rush to be in a relationship, but am prepared to wait for my eternal companion who is aware strong and knows he does not need to choose between being gay and mormon.

A Lot Has Happened Lately

        So its been a long time since I posted last and a lot has happened. I moved from the DC area to Utah up near Sundance in august. I’ve been going to USGA Understanding Same Sex Attraction an unofficial BYU group. It’s been amazing! They have very interesting and helpful meetings and socializing afterwards is great! its really nice to get together with other gay mormons.
As far as romance goes, I got into a long distance relationship with this one guy that I met through corinvictus (an online gay mormon support group), it was the first time that I was in love with someone where that love was expressed and reciprocated, love songs had so much more meaning and my life was full and beautiful. The relationship did not last, he was not very attracted to me physically. I am rather slender and while in great shape am lacking in big muscles. This made me not feel as great and then when he showed a lack of trust my feelings for him lessened considerably, when we finally got to meet in person he let it be known that he wanted to be just friends. So that was the end of that.
The next relationship that followed was much better and still holds promise. long story short, we connected really well and we jumped into a relationship pretty fast, extenuating circumstances kept us apart for a while, then later we were able to reunite. The only problem was he lived in the Salt Lake area and neither one of us have cars. I had been planning on moving to salt lake this month long before we started dating. So after a while being apart took its strain on the relationship, ultimately we decided to break of communication till I moved to SLC and then start all over again, this time more slowly. I feel that that is a really good idea, it was actually his idea.
My parents found out that my little younger brother supports gay marriage so we felt like it was time to tell him about me, I had my parents tell him. It went well, apparently he had already known, and the things he would say to me about not wearing or doing certain things cause they seemed gay was not him being homophobic but his way of clueing me in that I should not do those things so I would not be discriminated against.
My grandma on my mom’s side has been living with us, so over the christmas holidays I came out to her. It was one of the few times that I have come out to someone in person so I was a little nervous. But she took it well, she said that she had thought that I might be gay and that she wanted me to do whatever made me happy. So that was a great relief.
Months before all this I came out to a few of my cousins and they all were very supportive. Only one of them still believes what the church teaches on homosexuality but she is very loving and non judgmental of me or anyone for that matter. I have a great family!