How I Told My Recent Converts.

 So I never wrote about how I came out to some of my recent converts.

   It was not something I planned on doing, at least not this early on. There are only a select few that I had planned telling ever.

   I was really afraid that if my recent converts knew I was gay it might damage some of their testimonies, and I really did not want to be the cause of that.

   Anyways, this recent convert family, let's call them the Jimenez family. They despite being mexican are very progressive. The father and kids especially.

  I did not have qualms about telling them, but I was planing on telling them in like a year or so.

   So this is how it happened. I was visiting my mission a few months ago, and I was staying with the "Jimenez" family, and the second to the oldest lets call him Juan, was going to be baptized the Sunday that I was there. But he changed his mind like 15 minutes before the service was supposed to start. So his dad the missionaries and I were talking to him and trying to understand what he was thinking and feeling.

   He told us that earlier that day in church as he was watching the 20 minute restoration video he thought to himself this is all made up, the church god and all of that. That is the sentiment he has had before and it seems that he never really quite got that testimony. So he wanted to know logically why there had to be a god so we talked to him for awhile about that, and then he came out with his other doubts, one of them being denying gays the right to marry and homosexuality being wrong. The oldest daughter (lets call her Dharma) also had a problem with that as well. They made the points that I have made as well. If gender is eternal and so important, then why are there hermaphrodites? and many more points that I have thought of myself.

     The missionaries responses were what we have all heard time and again from church leaders. One of the missionaries even talked about homosexuality being a choice, I corrected him on that point, but I could not say what I truly felt with the rest of it.

    The topic of homosexuality had come up before with them when I was still serving my mission, but we had always been able to state the church's position on it and move on to a different topic. This time the discussion was intense, and since I could not express what I felt I left the room.

  "Hno Jimenez" was moving in and out of the room, so I was able to pull him aside and tell him that I wanted to talk to him and his 2 oldest kids about what we had been talking about, but that we couldn't do that till the missionaries left. Later "Dharma" stepped out for a minute and I was able to tell her the same thing.

    So later on the missionaries were going to leave but "Hno Jimenez" found out that they had not eaten, no doubt they had been planning on eating at the baptism which was no longer going to happen. So being the wonderful person that he is "Hno Jimenez" went to go make something and they followed him to the kitchen. 

    So "Dharma" and I were alone in the living room, and she asked me if I could tell her what I wasn't able to tell her with the missionaries there. So in a low whisper I told her I was gay, and started to tell her my story. We ended up going on a walk together so we could continue our conversation because the missionaries ended up coming into the room.

   She told me that she had thought that I was gay, but had thought that I must not have come to terms with it yet.

   When the missionaries left I told "Hno Jimenez" and "Juan" what I had told dharma and a bit more. About halfway through the rest of the family got home. So we drove to the Santa Monica pier to finnish talking. I just did not feel like I should tell the rest of the family at that time.

    One of the things that was so amazing that I pointed out to them as we neared the pier. Is how amazing it is that God placed me there at that time.       There are not that many gay Mormons that choose to go on a mission knowing they are gay that it won't change and believing that gay marriage is right and good. So for me to be sent to people that have an issue with the church's stance on that subject and to boot for me to have been visiting them when the subject came up and actually being able to share with them my story was a miracle. Both "Dharma" and "Hno Jimenez" were blown way just as much as I was. Unfortunately "Juan" thought it was a really big coincidence. Or at least thats what he said, but I'm sure he will come around.

Dating For Gay Mormons.

So I found this gay Mormon social network that is amazing!
  It's kind of like a primitive Facebook. Only  other people that have an account can see your info. And you decide what info you want to put on there.
    I know that some people might be concerned about meeting people online. Don't worry, I had that concern too. From what I can see the people on there just want to find other gay Mormons to date and hopefully someone to spend the rest of their lives with.
  It definitely  seems very secure because you have to take a picture of yourself and a number code they email you so they can make sure that the pictures you upload are really you.
 If you are still thinking you might want to marry the opposite sex or be celibate for the rest of your life, or are unsure what you are going to do with your ssa, there are quite a few people in the same boat on the website as well. So it's not just about dating, it's about connecting with other gay Mormons. And you can search for people by zip code so you can find people near you. Though I must say you have a much greater chance of finding someone near you if you live in Utah. Thank goodness I am moving there next month. There were only 4 people in the Washington dc area from ages 19-30 not including myself.
   Another great thing is that, since I have been using the website the temptation to look at porn has almost left entirely, proving what I said in my last post.
   The website is corinvictus.com

An amazing interview.

   This interview was amazing, I love his thoughts on the subject of homosexuality especially towards the end of the interview. he is able to articulate what I oft times have not been able to.

Healthy Expression of Attraction

      So unfortunately I slipped up yesterday by looking at that bad stuff on the internet. Fortunately this happens less and less often. I'm down to like one slip up a month now, sometimes every other month. But I was thinking how it is that this comes about. And it is when I am feeling more than normally the desire to be with a man. So I look at pictures that are not wrong at all. Just two men embracing or kissing. the problem is when I do that for to long I look on the Internet for more such pictures to feed that desire and then come across something that's more than just an embrace or kissing which leads me to the bad stuff and then I don't pull out when I know I should.

   But I was thinking that this might all be avoided if I had a healthy outlet for those desires. Like a boyfriend. Or just being able to be open about my feelings with those around me. And I think it would be even less likely to happen if there were some good gay romance films out there. So much of the gay films are just all about sex, and or they are poorly done.

       I have yet to see a really good gay romance movie. It needs to be just like the other chick flicks just with two gay men rather than a man and a woman.

       I think when you repress something it will just resurface even stronger than before. Or to a lesser degree than repressing by just not healthily expressing that attraction can have a similar effect.

      My best friend told me about this friend of hers from work who is gay. He is blond fit and not so obviously gay which is so my type.

      She showed him a picture of me and he thought I was really cute, so I am hoping we can go on a date, it would be the first time I have ever dated a guy and the prospect makes me all bubbly inside. I believe that it would truly be a healthy expression of my attraction to men, and help me stay away from pornography.

This Couple Made A Difference In My Life.

   Seeing this gay married mormon couple really helped me a lot, because it was the first time that I saw what I really wanted for my future, to be active in the church and married to another gay mormon, and to go to church with that future husband.
   Seeing these videos finally helped me lose that little bit of doubt I had of whether or not gay marriage would be right or wrong. and they are both super cute to boot.
   these are the links to the 2 videos, the first is of Andrew and the next is of his husband Jeffrey.

file:///Users/bradhess/Desktop/farbetweenmovie.com:andrew:.webloc

file:///Users/bradhess/Desktop/farbetweenmovie.com:jeffrey:.webloc

I Thought This Was Funny

I am also from a three brothers family, lol.

Emails With My Brother

   So this is a back and forth email I had with my older Brother (I have changed our true names in this post).

(ME)
This was good

http://irresistibledisgrace.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/what-every-faithful-same-sex-attracted-member-of-the-church-must-know/


(My Older Brother)
Garet,

 I read this article and after reading the first quotation in it I jotted down some thoughts.  I have since read the remainder of the article, but I feel what I wrote is still relevant notwithstanding the author's additional comments.

"These young men and you women must come to realize that they will not be able to achieve life’s purpose, as the church and its leaders have revealed it."

 This simply is not true.  This life is not the end.  No one was intended to be perfect (meaning "whole" or "complete") in this life.  We also teach that God wants every soul to hear the Gospel message, yet for thousands of years the good news of His plan never reached the ears of billions of his children.  They were forced to wait until after this life to accept the Gospel, to take part in essential ordinances.  They had to live lonely lives filled with confusion and uncertainty, but many of them did the best given their circumstances.  But God included in his plan a pathway for them to receive all the same blessings as those of our generation who have heard the Gospel message and responded to God's call.  Mortality does not afford equal treatment.  It never has.  Every man or woman who enters this world will face different trials and be afforded different blessings along the way.  Jesus Christ, our brother, has provided his Atonement to make up for these extreme discrepancies, and things like temple work, the Millennium, the Spirit World, and so forth, are proffered for us so that we can enjoy the same blessings God desires for all his children.  Is it fair that one man was born with perfect health, into a functioning family, with financial stability,  growing up with the Restored Gospel, while another was born blind with a serious heart condition, into a broken home, in poverty, and with the belief that God was a hateful, vindictive being, without a knowledge of his love?  I think not.  And yet it happens all the time.  But God never asks anyone to endure something that they cannot endure with the resources given them.  For those who know of the Restored Gospel, we have the Atonement to carry us through life's trials.
 Garet, this life is not permanent.  It is a trial period.  Many seem to treat this life as if everything must be made perfect and that everything must be resolved here and now.  This is simply not true.  Many saints have endured the trials of hell in this life.  It is hard, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  The remarkable thing—which never ceases to amaze me—is that we as human beings, and more importantly children of God, are somehow capable of making it through the very harshest treatment life has to offer.
 Garet, there is a third position no one wants to discuss.  There are too many voices condemning and marginalizing righteous men and women who experience same-gender attraction.  They seem to classify such righteous people as lesser beings.  There are others who are accepting and loving of those with SGA, who accept such persons for who they are and tell them that they are justified and supported in whatever actions they choose to take.  They seem to classify persons with SGA as the exception, and that the covenants and teachings of the Church either don't apply or are incorrect.  But why should you be the exception?  As missionaries we never permitted people to be baptized if they were not living as they should to be baptized.  The truth is that men and women with same-gender attraction are just as righteous and worthy as any other human being.  They deserve the same respect and love that others do.  But you can and should live up to the covenants and teachings that God has decreed.  And it is not too hard.  No it is not.  You are equal to the task.  God will help you.  But if you hang on to the notion that you can somehow enjoy the fruits of the Gospel while not intending to fully abide by its fundamental precepts, if you value your sexuality over the Gospel, then you will in the end tread the loneliest of roads—one without the full presence of God in your life.  Don't get me wrong—his arm always remains outstretched, and he always seems to occupy whatever niche we leave for him in our lives.  But it will never be the same as when you are fully committed to following him.
 I know you are capable.  I know you are strong.  I know you can do this.  That you experience this challenge in your life bespeaks the fortitude of which you are capable, for God would never have left you with the task of living as a Latter-day Saint experiencing same-gender attraction were you not one of his most stalwart sons.  I regret that there aren't more voices out there that actually encourage men and women with SGA to live the Gospel.  For what it's worth, I want to encourage you, Garet.  I want for you to be able to live a full life.  For each one of us that will mean something somewhat different, but the one constant in all these differences is the Gospel, not our sexuality, not our upbringing, not our circumstances.  Those all differ.  But something has got to stand steadfast so we can get our bearings.  Hang on to that rock, Garet.  That's where we can anchor ourselves.  Let that be the first thing in your mind.  Be honest with yourself, yes, but anchor yourself to that.  Things won't always make sense.  But if you hang on and press on they will some day.
 I never intended to spend my morning writing this, but I wanted my dear brother whom I love to hear a different perspective than what all these bloggers seem to offer.  I hope what I have said has been valuable to you in your journey.  Please do keep an open mind to what I've said.  There is a place for you in this Church, Garet, contrary to what the blogging community is saying.  There will always be a place for you.

Your brother,
-Zane

(ME)
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. When I received your email I was still in California and very busy with my recent converts.
   Thank you so much for your love for me, I am very glad I have a brother like you. I do not value my sexuality more than the gospel. The gospel is the center of my life, and always will be.
   The gospel never changes, throughout time it has stayed the same. Christ's church has does and will continue to change. Christ's church is there to help us live the gospel that does not change. the gospel is perfect, Christ church is the closest to perfection we can have in this life.
   Christ's church changes because it is there to help people in this world live the gospel, and people and this world changes.
   This life is a testing period, and is hard at times. But this life is not something to get through. Me marrying someone I am attracted to is not contrary to the gospel or God's plan.
   I still am open to the possibility of marrying a woman, but if I do it will be so I can retain my membership in the church, be able to hold callings and be able to attend the temple. Not because I believe gay marriage to be wrong.
   I love you Zane, thanks for caring about me.

(ME) by the way, in case you were doubting it, I will always be active in the church no matter who I marry.

Midnight Epiphany

    Last night I was looking at John's last two blog posts, Can Mormon Theology Accomodate Same-Sex Marriage? (http://youngstranger.blogspot.com/2012/05/can-mormon-theology-accommodate-same.html), and Ward Temple Night (http://youngstranger.blogspot.com/2012/05/ward-temple-night.html). what particularly resonated with me was what happened when he was in the temple lobby. One of the ward members presented the idea of leaving his husband so he could return to the temple and so forth. The thought had crossed his mind before but the spirit reaffirmed to him that to leave his husband would be wrong, that he needed to be patient and forgiving.
    This got me thinking and opened me up to inspiration. Being gay and a member of the church has helped me be more forgiving. There is so much misunderstanding on homosexuality within the church and all around really. Because of this, things are said and done mostly by good well intentioned people that cause me pain, but this gives me the opportunity to forgive, to be compassionate, to be more like Christ and to know him better. Paraphrasing scripture, "when ye see him ye shall know him, for ye shall be like him."
    Being gay and mormon has also helped me be more patient. Patient for answers to prayers, patient for understanding, and the patience to accept that God will make things right and fair in his own time. I went through a lot for a long time before answers understanding and acceptance came to the degree that I now have.
    I believe that being gay and mormon has helped me be more loving and understanding, it has helped me be more open minded and view the world in a different way after I accepted who I was and that that was ok.
    Being gay and a member of the church has increased my understanding of the gospel my testimony of it and and and my trust in the Lord. As with any challenge my relationship with my Heavenly Father has been strengthened.
    Last night when I knelt down to pray, I thanked my Father in Heaven that I am gay. I was filled with the spirit, with my love for my Heavenly Father and his love for me.

Experiences from my mission part 2.

"We cannot appreciate the light until we have walked through the darkness."
          -Me

      At about the year mark of my mission I was transferred to one of my favorite areas, with my favorite companion. My previous companion who had helped me through that hard time had been very unattractive, something I was grateful for considering the situation we had been in. My favorite companion was very cute, not just in looks but in personality. I tried not to let myself fall too much in love with him, my feelings seemed to border on brotherly love and an actual romantic love. He was so humble selfless funny and sweet. I knew of course that he was not gay, and that I would never be able to be with him in a romantic sense, but I remember  just hoping that someday he would be able to find a really amazing girl to marry, and I'm sure he will.
    I remember one amazing experience I had while he was my companion, we had grown really close, and I was about to go on exchanges to another area and he was going to stay in our area. I was getting ready while we waited for the other missionaries to arrive at our pad, and my companion came up from behind me hugged me and said he loved me. Oh my goodness! it was a magical feeling! I knew that he only loved me as a brother and the hug was him just joking around, but it was the first time I had been hugged by a man in such a romantic way even if it was him just playing around. it was a very special experience for me. Eventually my love for that companion became just brotherly love and we are still friends today (he doesn't know I'm gay, seeing as I am still in the closet).
    My second transfer in that area a fairly new Elder was transferred to live with us (we lived in a four pad at the time). He was super cute and I am positive he was gay, although based on his actions I doubt he had recognized or come to terms with that. We became good friends, and his presence really gave me hope. It helped me see that there were more gay mormons out there than I had thought, and it gave me hope that I would someday be able to find an attractive gay man to marry, who had the same beliefs that I did.
    With all this going on I began to go back to believing that gay marriage was not wrong in God's sight, my beliefs over this varied throughout the better part of my mission. But in that area surrounded by those particular missionaries I was thinking even more about whether or not it was right or wrong. Then something momentous happened that moved me in the direction of believing more firmly that there was nothing wrong with me marrying a man.
    It was after watching one of the General conference sessions that it happened. I was feeling conflicted, because after watching one of the talks I felt that marrying a man would be fine, and after a later talk I thought it might be wrong. So that night as I got ready for bead, I was feeling so conflicted. Now I would like to share my journal entry from that night.
    "…I was super depressed about the gay thing and I thought no wonder gays and lesbians leave the church so much. It's so much easier not to think about it (whether its right or not) and to just leave the church behind.
    Then I thought about how others can easily enjoy the gospel but homosexuals can't." Not exactly true but that's how I felt. "How can I make others happy but in the end I'm still gay, and in some aspect it seems as if I cannot be as happy as those who are not gay. It's so unfair! " Then I go on to describe how I became more depressed and exactly how I was contemplating suicide, but its a little graphic so I won't quote it. "Then my depression turned to hate. I actually told God that I hated him. I hated that he made me the way I am, I hated the church, I hated my mission President.
    Hate gives you so much energy, but then I felt bad for thinking those things, so I told God that I do not hate him the church or my mission President, and I asked for forgiveness. then I was depressed again and wanted to kill myself again." I was thinking of doing it in a less graphic way this time. "after that I thought some insane crazy things only someone in the pitt of hell could think (I describe those later on), because that was where I was. Satan was definitely there whispering in my ear, but he is no longer so near.
    After this crazy roller coaster it is obvious that gay marriage is 100% ok in the eyes of God. God would be completely unjust to deny entry into his kingdom because they had a gay marriage, seeing as he gave them those feelings with no way of changing them.
    I will continue on the course I had decided before my mission unless I find a woman with whom I think I could make it work, so I can still go to the temple. Or if someone tells me a reason I have not yet heard that makes sense as to why gay marriage is wrong, because I do not want that inward conflict to happen again.
    I was denying my testimony and saying that the church was all lies and not true (that had been satan whispering in my ear so to speak), but I know without a doubt that the church is true, even though there are certain imperfections that are allowed to remain because of the hardness of the hearts of the children of men.
    Phew!!! that was an intense entry, but I feel much better. It's amazing what a pen and paper can do for an anguished soul."
    So after that I would not let myself think about the possibility of not making it to the Celestial Kingdom because of marrying someone I was attracted to. Any consideration of marrying a woman was only going to be so I could retain the privileges of membership in the church. I couldn't let myself be worried about not returning to my Heavenly Father because of the whole "gay thing."
    Since then I no longer doubt that acting on my feelings within marriage will in no way inhibit my eternal progression, though that surety has come slowly and more strongly especially very recently, and I am sure that that hope and surety will continue to grow and be strengthened in the future.
    I hope that my experiences that I have shared has helped you, if you need help, or have any questions feel free to comment on this post or send me an email. Please know that whoever you are you are very loved by your Heavenly Father, even though at times it may seem like he doesn't, he really does love you. I will never doubt his love for me again.

Experiences from my mission part 1.

    I just recently returned home from my mission, I had a blog before I left on my mission, ( http://gaymormonboy.blogspot.com/ )  but since I have returned I cannot remember the name of the email adress I used to do my blog. So I am staring another blog.I thought I would begin by talking about my mission just a little bit. I served in a spanish speaking mission in California, it was so wonderful learning spanish and helping others come unto Christ and change their lives.
    Before I left on my mission after three years of trying to change my sexuality I had finally come to terms with the fact that that was not going to change, after a great internal struggle I came to feel that acting on my feelings by saving myself for marriage with another man that I was attracted to was not wrong. But after a few weeks in the MTC surrounded by so many church leaders with no access to the moho community, I began to wonder if what I had been so resolved to do before I set out for my mission was indeed wrong, I was deeply concerned that acting on my feelings even within marriage would keep me from reaching Exaltation and eternal life. What I wanted more than anything was to become like my Heavenly Father, and be with my family forever, something I still want. At the same time I wanted to be with someone I could love completely, and without reservations. This inner conflict caused me to become very depressed. So I sought the counsel of my Branch President there at the MTC.
    It was the first time that I had ever told a Church leader about my attraction to men. I was very glad I talked with my Branch President, he was loving and understanding, one of the reasons I had decided to confide in him after I had received the confirmation of the spirit in my prayers that it was what I should do.
    Because of that interview and a later interview with my first mission President and being surrounded with the church's view on the subject, I began to consider someday marrying a woman. I definitely wasn't going to live alone all my life. Despite the lack of romance that I have had in my young life, I am very romantic and can not see myself  reaching complete happiness without an eternal companion.
    So even though I had thought that I had overcome that internal struggle of reconciling my faith and my sexuality before I left on my mission. I returned to that internal struggle, there were a few times when it really got to me, one time it was so bad that during companionship study as my companion and I began our studies together with a song I couldn't sing, and broke down crying in front of him. After him asking me a few times what was wrong and me not wanting to answer the spirit told me that I should tell I was gay, so I did. He informed me that the spirit had told him that not long before I did. He really helped me a lot, he reminded me that having those feelings wasn't wrong. I told him everything about my feelings, even how I did not think that two men being married was wrong, but at that time I had become unsure of that. my companion did not say too much he just listened with love, he did not even say anything about how I should not someday act on my feelings. For all I know he supports gay marriage, the advice he gave me was to focus on my mission, and worry about my sexuality later. That helped a lot, and I was better able to help those around me as I continued to serve the Lord on my mission.