So everything is going pretty good right now, I have now had three relationships and all have taught me something important.
The first I talked about a little in my last post. Ultimately lack of trust and his not being attracted to me killed that relationship. helping me see the importance of being aware. He was not really aware of how much it hurt me when he expressed his worry that I would not be muscular enough for him before we met in person. He is a good guy and we still keep in contact as friends but he is totally unaware of how such things can really hurt.At this point I had already done away with the idea of marrying a woman someday, but having that experience really helped me see how a woman married to a gay man must feel. The feeling of not being wanted.
It is important to feel loved and wanted. Guy number one did not want me and it hurt. This is how women must feel when married to a gay man. they know that he loves them but that they do not feel wanted. it leaves you feeling undesirable and lowers self esteem.
Guy number two (my first boyfriend), helped me see the importance of finding a man strong in the gospel. He wanted to live the gospel and be active in the church but that desire and his testimony were not the strongest.
I learned later that he had not been going to church for a while and that shortly before we broke up he had decided he was not going to be a mormon. He lied to me about the reasons for breaking up and I found out later that the text he sent me to initiate the break up was sent by a friend of his cause he was not man enough to do it himself. He now lives promiscuously with little thought for others.
He did have a testimony but the desire to do as he pleased despite what he knew to be right overwhelmed that testimony because it was not strong enough to surmount the challenges that gay mormons often face.
The last lesson learned was from my last boyfriend guy number three. He was my perfect match and I still love him if not as poignantly as before. We were perfect for each other. He is intellectual, more so than me in a way that helped me have a greater desire to improve those intellectual desires that I sometimes neglect. He was kind and a perfect gentleman. Aware of how what he said was taken and strong in the gospel.
Unfortunately our perfect love could not last. His bishop discovered that he supported gay marriage and since this bishop was in a very Utah mormon part of Utah threatened to take away his temple recommend solely because of that support. luckily the bishop did not take away his recommend but it brought to guy three’s mind a conflict he had not fully resolved. that of someday being excommunicated.
I once had that same problem, so I was patient and hopeful that he would be able to become resolved to that fact. I do not believe that God honors the excommunication of someone who is unjustly excommunicated. they may be excommunicated from the organization itself but not to Christ fold itself. In fact a man who was excommunicated simply because he was attracted to men back when the church did that said this. All priesthood ordinances must be confirmed by the spirit. Baptism endowment etc, otherwise they are not valid in God’s eyes. Excommunication it turns out is a priesthood ordinance and it too must be confirmed by the spirit.
Unfortunately in the end guy three felt he must choose between “being mormon,” and “being gay.” So we broke up. I was very sad to say the least, but since the time that I almost committed suicide nothing gets me down for too long.
One of the great things from my relationship with guy three is that it gave me hope that there are other gay mormon men out there that want what I want. To live the gospel marry a man and raise a family in the church and in the gospel. It also gave me patience to find that special someone and to not stoop to a man unworthy of my romantic love as I had done with guy one and two. though I still wish for a boyfriend and ultimately a husband. I can wait, and I am no longer in such a rush to be in a relationship, but am prepared to wait for my eternal companion who is aware strong and knows he does not need to choose between being gay and mormon.
