-Me
At about the year mark of my mission I was transferred to one of my favorite areas, with my favorite companion. My previous companion who had helped me through that hard time had been very unattractive, something I was grateful for considering the situation we had been in. My favorite companion was very cute, not just in looks but in personality. I tried not to let myself fall too much in love with him, my feelings seemed to border on brotherly love and an actual romantic love. He was so humble selfless funny and sweet. I knew of course that he was not gay, and that I would never be able to be with him in a romantic sense, but I remember just hoping that someday he would be able to find a really amazing girl to marry, and I'm sure he will.
I remember one amazing experience I had while he was my companion, we had grown really close, and I was about to go on exchanges to another area and he was going to stay in our area. I was getting ready while we waited for the other missionaries to arrive at our pad, and my companion came up from behind me hugged me and said he loved me. Oh my goodness! it was a magical feeling! I knew that he only loved me as a brother and the hug was him just joking around, but it was the first time I had been hugged by a man in such a romantic way even if it was him just playing around. it was a very special experience for me. Eventually my love for that companion became just brotherly love and we are still friends today (he doesn't know I'm gay, seeing as I am still in the closet).
My second transfer in that area a fairly new Elder was transferred to live with us (we lived in a four pad at the time). He was super cute and I am positive he was gay, although based on his actions I doubt he had recognized or come to terms with that. We became good friends, and his presence really gave me hope. It helped me see that there were more gay mormons out there than I had thought, and it gave me hope that I would someday be able to find an attractive gay man to marry, who had the same beliefs that I did.
With all this going on I began to go back to believing that gay marriage was not wrong in God's sight, my beliefs over this varied throughout the better part of my mission. But in that area surrounded by those particular missionaries I was thinking even more about whether or not it was right or wrong. Then something momentous happened that moved me in the direction of believing more firmly that there was nothing wrong with me marrying a man.
It was after watching one of the General conference sessions that it happened. I was feeling conflicted, because after watching one of the talks I felt that marrying a man would be fine, and after a later talk I thought it might be wrong. So that night as I got ready for bead, I was feeling so conflicted. Now I would like to share my journal entry from that night.
"…I was super depressed about the gay thing and I thought no wonder gays and lesbians leave the church so much. It's so much easier not to think about it (whether its right or not) and to just leave the church behind.
Then I thought about how others can easily enjoy the gospel but homosexuals can't." Not exactly true but that's how I felt. "How can I make others happy but in the end I'm still gay, and in some aspect it seems as if I cannot be as happy as those who are not gay. It's so unfair! " Then I go on to describe how I became more depressed and exactly how I was contemplating suicide, but its a little graphic so I won't quote it. "Then my depression turned to hate. I actually told God that I hated him. I hated that he made me the way I am, I hated the church, I hated my mission President.
Hate gives you so much energy, but then I felt bad for thinking those things, so I told God that I do not hate him the church or my mission President, and I asked for forgiveness. then I was depressed again and wanted to kill myself again." I was thinking of doing it in a less graphic way this time. "after that I thought some insane crazy things only someone in the pitt of hell could think (I describe those later on), because that was where I was. Satan was definitely there whispering in my ear, but he is no longer so near.
After this crazy roller coaster it is obvious that gay marriage is 100% ok in the eyes of God. God would be completely unjust to deny entry into his kingdom because they had a gay marriage, seeing as he gave them those feelings with no way of changing them.
I will continue on the course I had decided before my mission unless I find a woman with whom I think I could make it work, so I can still go to the temple. Or if someone tells me a reason I have not yet heard that makes sense as to why gay marriage is wrong, because I do not want that inward conflict to happen again.
I was denying my testimony and saying that the church was all lies and not true (that had been satan whispering in my ear so to speak), but I know without a doubt that the church is true, even though there are certain imperfections that are allowed to remain because of the hardness of the hearts of the children of men.
Phew!!! that was an intense entry, but I feel much better. It's amazing what a pen and paper can do for an anguished soul."
So after that I would not let myself think about the possibility of not making it to the Celestial Kingdom because of marrying someone I was attracted to. Any consideration of marrying a woman was only going to be so I could retain the privileges of membership in the church. I couldn't let myself be worried about not returning to my Heavenly Father because of the whole "gay thing."
Since then I no longer doubt that acting on my feelings within marriage will in no way inhibit my eternal progression, though that surety has come slowly and more strongly especially very recently, and I am sure that that hope and surety will continue to grow and be strengthened in the future.
I hope that my experiences that I have shared has helped you, if you need help, or have any questions feel free to comment on this post or send me an email. Please know that whoever you are you are very loved by your Heavenly Father, even though at times it may seem like he doesn't, he really does love you. I will never doubt his love for me again.
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