How I Told My Recent Converts.

 So I never wrote about how I came out to some of my recent converts.

   It was not something I planned on doing, at least not this early on. There are only a select few that I had planned telling ever.

   I was really afraid that if my recent converts knew I was gay it might damage some of their testimonies, and I really did not want to be the cause of that.

   Anyways, this recent convert family, let's call them the Jimenez family. They despite being mexican are very progressive. The father and kids especially.

  I did not have qualms about telling them, but I was planing on telling them in like a year or so.

   So this is how it happened. I was visiting my mission a few months ago, and I was staying with the "Jimenez" family, and the second to the oldest lets call him Juan, was going to be baptized the Sunday that I was there. But he changed his mind like 15 minutes before the service was supposed to start. So his dad the missionaries and I were talking to him and trying to understand what he was thinking and feeling.

   He told us that earlier that day in church as he was watching the 20 minute restoration video he thought to himself this is all made up, the church god and all of that. That is the sentiment he has had before and it seems that he never really quite got that testimony. So he wanted to know logically why there had to be a god so we talked to him for awhile about that, and then he came out with his other doubts, one of them being denying gays the right to marry and homosexuality being wrong. The oldest daughter (lets call her Dharma) also had a problem with that as well. They made the points that I have made as well. If gender is eternal and so important, then why are there hermaphrodites? and many more points that I have thought of myself.

     The missionaries responses were what we have all heard time and again from church leaders. One of the missionaries even talked about homosexuality being a choice, I corrected him on that point, but I could not say what I truly felt with the rest of it.

    The topic of homosexuality had come up before with them when I was still serving my mission, but we had always been able to state the church's position on it and move on to a different topic. This time the discussion was intense, and since I could not express what I felt I left the room.

  "Hno Jimenez" was moving in and out of the room, so I was able to pull him aside and tell him that I wanted to talk to him and his 2 oldest kids about what we had been talking about, but that we couldn't do that till the missionaries left. Later "Dharma" stepped out for a minute and I was able to tell her the same thing.

    So later on the missionaries were going to leave but "Hno Jimenez" found out that they had not eaten, no doubt they had been planning on eating at the baptism which was no longer going to happen. So being the wonderful person that he is "Hno Jimenez" went to go make something and they followed him to the kitchen. 

    So "Dharma" and I were alone in the living room, and she asked me if I could tell her what I wasn't able to tell her with the missionaries there. So in a low whisper I told her I was gay, and started to tell her my story. We ended up going on a walk together so we could continue our conversation because the missionaries ended up coming into the room.

   She told me that she had thought that I was gay, but had thought that I must not have come to terms with it yet.

   When the missionaries left I told "Hno Jimenez" and "Juan" what I had told dharma and a bit more. About halfway through the rest of the family got home. So we drove to the Santa Monica pier to finnish talking. I just did not feel like I should tell the rest of the family at that time.

    One of the things that was so amazing that I pointed out to them as we neared the pier. Is how amazing it is that God placed me there at that time.       There are not that many gay Mormons that choose to go on a mission knowing they are gay that it won't change and believing that gay marriage is right and good. So for me to be sent to people that have an issue with the church's stance on that subject and to boot for me to have been visiting them when the subject came up and actually being able to share with them my story was a miracle. Both "Dharma" and "Hno Jimenez" were blown way just as much as I was. Unfortunately "Juan" thought it was a really big coincidence. Or at least thats what he said, but I'm sure he will come around.

Dating For Gay Mormons.

So I found this gay Mormon social network that is amazing!
  It's kind of like a primitive Facebook. Only  other people that have an account can see your info. And you decide what info you want to put on there.
    I know that some people might be concerned about meeting people online. Don't worry, I had that concern too. From what I can see the people on there just want to find other gay Mormons to date and hopefully someone to spend the rest of their lives with.
  It definitely  seems very secure because you have to take a picture of yourself and a number code they email you so they can make sure that the pictures you upload are really you.
 If you are still thinking you might want to marry the opposite sex or be celibate for the rest of your life, or are unsure what you are going to do with your ssa, there are quite a few people in the same boat on the website as well. So it's not just about dating, it's about connecting with other gay Mormons. And you can search for people by zip code so you can find people near you. Though I must say you have a much greater chance of finding someone near you if you live in Utah. Thank goodness I am moving there next month. There were only 4 people in the Washington dc area from ages 19-30 not including myself.
   Another great thing is that, since I have been using the website the temptation to look at porn has almost left entirely, proving what I said in my last post.
   The website is corinvictus.com

An amazing interview.

   This interview was amazing, I love his thoughts on the subject of homosexuality especially towards the end of the interview. he is able to articulate what I oft times have not been able to.

Healthy Expression of Attraction

      So unfortunately I slipped up yesterday by looking at that bad stuff on the internet. Fortunately this happens less and less often. I'm down to like one slip up a month now, sometimes every other month. But I was thinking how it is that this comes about. And it is when I am feeling more than normally the desire to be with a man. So I look at pictures that are not wrong at all. Just two men embracing or kissing. the problem is when I do that for to long I look on the Internet for more such pictures to feed that desire and then come across something that's more than just an embrace or kissing which leads me to the bad stuff and then I don't pull out when I know I should.

   But I was thinking that this might all be avoided if I had a healthy outlet for those desires. Like a boyfriend. Or just being able to be open about my feelings with those around me. And I think it would be even less likely to happen if there were some good gay romance films out there. So much of the gay films are just all about sex, and or they are poorly done.

       I have yet to see a really good gay romance movie. It needs to be just like the other chick flicks just with two gay men rather than a man and a woman.

       I think when you repress something it will just resurface even stronger than before. Or to a lesser degree than repressing by just not healthily expressing that attraction can have a similar effect.

      My best friend told me about this friend of hers from work who is gay. He is blond fit and not so obviously gay which is so my type.

      She showed him a picture of me and he thought I was really cute, so I am hoping we can go on a date, it would be the first time I have ever dated a guy and the prospect makes me all bubbly inside. I believe that it would truly be a healthy expression of my attraction to men, and help me stay away from pornography.

This Couple Made A Difference In My Life.

   Seeing this gay married mormon couple really helped me a lot, because it was the first time that I saw what I really wanted for my future, to be active in the church and married to another gay mormon, and to go to church with that future husband.
   Seeing these videos finally helped me lose that little bit of doubt I had of whether or not gay marriage would be right or wrong. and they are both super cute to boot.
   these are the links to the 2 videos, the first is of Andrew and the next is of his husband Jeffrey.

file:///Users/bradhess/Desktop/farbetweenmovie.com:andrew:.webloc

file:///Users/bradhess/Desktop/farbetweenmovie.com:jeffrey:.webloc

I Thought This Was Funny

I am also from a three brothers family, lol.

Emails With My Brother

   So this is a back and forth email I had with my older Brother (I have changed our true names in this post).

(ME)
This was good

http://irresistibledisgrace.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/what-every-faithful-same-sex-attracted-member-of-the-church-must-know/


(My Older Brother)
Garet,

 I read this article and after reading the first quotation in it I jotted down some thoughts.  I have since read the remainder of the article, but I feel what I wrote is still relevant notwithstanding the author's additional comments.

"These young men and you women must come to realize that they will not be able to achieve life’s purpose, as the church and its leaders have revealed it."

 This simply is not true.  This life is not the end.  No one was intended to be perfect (meaning "whole" or "complete") in this life.  We also teach that God wants every soul to hear the Gospel message, yet for thousands of years the good news of His plan never reached the ears of billions of his children.  They were forced to wait until after this life to accept the Gospel, to take part in essential ordinances.  They had to live lonely lives filled with confusion and uncertainty, but many of them did the best given their circumstances.  But God included in his plan a pathway for them to receive all the same blessings as those of our generation who have heard the Gospel message and responded to God's call.  Mortality does not afford equal treatment.  It never has.  Every man or woman who enters this world will face different trials and be afforded different blessings along the way.  Jesus Christ, our brother, has provided his Atonement to make up for these extreme discrepancies, and things like temple work, the Millennium, the Spirit World, and so forth, are proffered for us so that we can enjoy the same blessings God desires for all his children.  Is it fair that one man was born with perfect health, into a functioning family, with financial stability,  growing up with the Restored Gospel, while another was born blind with a serious heart condition, into a broken home, in poverty, and with the belief that God was a hateful, vindictive being, without a knowledge of his love?  I think not.  And yet it happens all the time.  But God never asks anyone to endure something that they cannot endure with the resources given them.  For those who know of the Restored Gospel, we have the Atonement to carry us through life's trials.
 Garet, this life is not permanent.  It is a trial period.  Many seem to treat this life as if everything must be made perfect and that everything must be resolved here and now.  This is simply not true.  Many saints have endured the trials of hell in this life.  It is hard, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  The remarkable thing—which never ceases to amaze me—is that we as human beings, and more importantly children of God, are somehow capable of making it through the very harshest treatment life has to offer.
 Garet, there is a third position no one wants to discuss.  There are too many voices condemning and marginalizing righteous men and women who experience same-gender attraction.  They seem to classify such righteous people as lesser beings.  There are others who are accepting and loving of those with SGA, who accept such persons for who they are and tell them that they are justified and supported in whatever actions they choose to take.  They seem to classify persons with SGA as the exception, and that the covenants and teachings of the Church either don't apply or are incorrect.  But why should you be the exception?  As missionaries we never permitted people to be baptized if they were not living as they should to be baptized.  The truth is that men and women with same-gender attraction are just as righteous and worthy as any other human being.  They deserve the same respect and love that others do.  But you can and should live up to the covenants and teachings that God has decreed.  And it is not too hard.  No it is not.  You are equal to the task.  God will help you.  But if you hang on to the notion that you can somehow enjoy the fruits of the Gospel while not intending to fully abide by its fundamental precepts, if you value your sexuality over the Gospel, then you will in the end tread the loneliest of roads—one without the full presence of God in your life.  Don't get me wrong—his arm always remains outstretched, and he always seems to occupy whatever niche we leave for him in our lives.  But it will never be the same as when you are fully committed to following him.
 I know you are capable.  I know you are strong.  I know you can do this.  That you experience this challenge in your life bespeaks the fortitude of which you are capable, for God would never have left you with the task of living as a Latter-day Saint experiencing same-gender attraction were you not one of his most stalwart sons.  I regret that there aren't more voices out there that actually encourage men and women with SGA to live the Gospel.  For what it's worth, I want to encourage you, Garet.  I want for you to be able to live a full life.  For each one of us that will mean something somewhat different, but the one constant in all these differences is the Gospel, not our sexuality, not our upbringing, not our circumstances.  Those all differ.  But something has got to stand steadfast so we can get our bearings.  Hang on to that rock, Garet.  That's where we can anchor ourselves.  Let that be the first thing in your mind.  Be honest with yourself, yes, but anchor yourself to that.  Things won't always make sense.  But if you hang on and press on they will some day.
 I never intended to spend my morning writing this, but I wanted my dear brother whom I love to hear a different perspective than what all these bloggers seem to offer.  I hope what I have said has been valuable to you in your journey.  Please do keep an open mind to what I've said.  There is a place for you in this Church, Garet, contrary to what the blogging community is saying.  There will always be a place for you.

Your brother,
-Zane

(ME)
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. When I received your email I was still in California and very busy with my recent converts.
   Thank you so much for your love for me, I am very glad I have a brother like you. I do not value my sexuality more than the gospel. The gospel is the center of my life, and always will be.
   The gospel never changes, throughout time it has stayed the same. Christ's church has does and will continue to change. Christ's church is there to help us live the gospel that does not change. the gospel is perfect, Christ church is the closest to perfection we can have in this life.
   Christ's church changes because it is there to help people in this world live the gospel, and people and this world changes.
   This life is a testing period, and is hard at times. But this life is not something to get through. Me marrying someone I am attracted to is not contrary to the gospel or God's plan.
   I still am open to the possibility of marrying a woman, but if I do it will be so I can retain my membership in the church, be able to hold callings and be able to attend the temple. Not because I believe gay marriage to be wrong.
   I love you Zane, thanks for caring about me.

(ME) by the way, in case you were doubting it, I will always be active in the church no matter who I marry.