A Letter to President Oaks

    I recently saw this letter written by Kyle Pederson to Elder Oaks, and I found it to be very true and inspiring.

As can only be expected Elder Oaks responded without remorse.

Kyle's letter is so true, thats exactly what I thought when I heard Oak's talk in general conference, it takes bravery to stand up to a widely accepted closed mindedness and bigotry that unfortunately exists in the church and some of the brethren. Oaks and Packer will certainly be looked back on with shame for many of their statements as many members look back on the statements given by Bruce R McConkie and others, the fear of being looked on as walking off the path because we do not see things as others do, it can be hard to stand up for what we know is right, yay for the true pioneers like Kyle Pederson! I am also so very grateful for the leaders that we have that epitomize Christlike love and help us focus on the true meaning of the gospel such as my favorite apostle Dieter F. Uchtdorf.

My Scripture study notes.

      So every once and a while I'll go through my scripture study notes to remember those little personal revelations God gives me whether its in church, at home or out and about. so here are just a few, I'll post more later.

The atonement is like piano lessons, mom has already payed for the lessons, she does not ask for us to pay her back but to practice and improve ourselves that is what makes our mother proud, improving ourselves.

Christ said and did some controversial things.

its easy to die for christ, its hard to live for him.

I need to let go of any ill feeling toward anyone no matter how well justified.

Being perfect is being whole.

Aware Strong And The Gay Mormon Conflict

       

        So everything is going pretty good right now, I have now had three relationships and all have taught me something important.

The first I talked about a little in my last post. Ultimately lack of trust and his not being attracted to me killed that relationship. helping me see the importance of being aware. He was not really aware of how much it hurt me when he expressed his worry that I would not be muscular enough for him before we met in person. He is a good guy and we still keep in contact as friends but he is totally unaware of how such things can really hurt.
At this point I had already done away with the idea of marrying a woman someday, but having that experience really helped me see how a woman married to a gay man must feel. The feeling of not being wanted.
It is important to feel loved and wanted. Guy number one did not want me and it hurt. This is how women must feel when married to a gay man. they know that he loves them but that they do not feel wanted. it leaves you feeling undesirable and lowers self esteem.

Guy number two (my first boyfriend), helped me see the importance of finding a man strong in the gospel. He wanted to live the gospel and be active in the church but that desire and his testimony were not the strongest.
I learned later that he had  not been going to church for a while and that shortly before we broke up he had decided he was not going to be a mormon. He lied to me about the reasons for breaking up and I found out later that the text he sent me to initiate the break up was sent by a friend of his cause he was not man enough to do it himself. He now lives promiscuously with little thought for others.
He did have a testimony but the desire to do as he pleased despite what he knew to be right overwhelmed that testimony because it was not strong enough to surmount the challenges that gay mormons often face.

The last lesson learned was from my last boyfriend guy number three. He was my perfect match and I still love him if not as poignantly as before. We were perfect for each other. He is intellectual, more so than me in a way that helped me have a greater desire to improve those intellectual desires that I sometimes neglect. He was kind and  a perfect gentleman. Aware of how what he said was taken and strong in the gospel.
Unfortunately our perfect love could not last. His bishop discovered that he supported gay marriage and since this bishop was in a very Utah mormon part of Utah threatened to take away his temple recommend solely because of that support. luckily the bishop did not take away his recommend but it brought to guy three’s mind a conflict he had not fully resolved. that of someday being excommunicated.
I once had that same problem, so I was patient and hopeful that he would be able to become resolved to that fact. I do not believe that God honors the excommunication of someone who is unjustly excommunicated. they may be excommunicated from the organization itself but not to Christ fold itself. In fact a man who was excommunicated simply because he was attracted to men back when the church did that said this. All priesthood ordinances must be confirmed by the spirit. Baptism endowment etc, otherwise they are not valid in God’s eyes. Excommunication it turns out is a priesthood ordinance and it too must be confirmed by the spirit.
Unfortunately in the end guy three felt he must choose between “being mormon,” and “being gay.” So we broke up. I was very sad to say the least, but since the time that I almost committed suicide nothing gets me down for too long.
One of the great things from my relationship with guy three is that it gave me hope that there are other gay mormon men out there that want what I want. To live the gospel marry a man and raise a family in the church and in the gospel. It also gave me patience to find that special someone and to not stoop to a man unworthy of my romantic love as I had done with guy one and two. though I still wish for a boyfriend and ultimately a husband. I can wait, and I am no longer in such a rush to be in a relationship, but am prepared to wait for my eternal companion who is aware strong and knows he does not need to choose between being gay and mormon.

A Lot Has Happened Lately

        So its been a long time since I posted last and a lot has happened. I moved from the DC area to Utah up near Sundance in august. I’ve been going to USGA Understanding Same Sex Attraction an unofficial BYU group. It’s been amazing! They have very interesting and helpful meetings and socializing afterwards is great! its really nice to get together with other gay mormons.
As far as romance goes, I got into a long distance relationship with this one guy that I met through corinvictus (an online gay mormon support group), it was the first time that I was in love with someone where that love was expressed and reciprocated, love songs had so much more meaning and my life was full and beautiful. The relationship did not last, he was not very attracted to me physically. I am rather slender and while in great shape am lacking in big muscles. This made me not feel as great and then when he showed a lack of trust my feelings for him lessened considerably, when we finally got to meet in person he let it be known that he wanted to be just friends. So that was the end of that.
The next relationship that followed was much better and still holds promise. long story short, we connected really well and we jumped into a relationship pretty fast, extenuating circumstances kept us apart for a while, then later we were able to reunite. The only problem was he lived in the Salt Lake area and neither one of us have cars. I had been planning on moving to salt lake this month long before we started dating. So after a while being apart took its strain on the relationship, ultimately we decided to break of communication till I moved to SLC and then start all over again, this time more slowly. I feel that that is a really good idea, it was actually his idea.
My parents found out that my little younger brother supports gay marriage so we felt like it was time to tell him about me, I had my parents tell him. It went well, apparently he had already known, and the things he would say to me about not wearing or doing certain things cause they seemed gay was not him being homophobic but his way of clueing me in that I should not do those things so I would not be discriminated against.
My grandma on my mom’s side has been living with us, so over the christmas holidays I came out to her. It was one of the few times that I have come out to someone in person so I was a little nervous. But she took it well, she said that she had thought that I might be gay and that she wanted me to do whatever made me happy. So that was a great relief.
Months before all this I came out to a few of my cousins and they all were very supportive. Only one of them still believes what the church teaches on homosexuality but she is very loving and non judgmental of me or anyone for that matter. I have a great family!

How I Told My Recent Converts.

 So I never wrote about how I came out to some of my recent converts.

   It was not something I planned on doing, at least not this early on. There are only a select few that I had planned telling ever.

   I was really afraid that if my recent converts knew I was gay it might damage some of their testimonies, and I really did not want to be the cause of that.

   Anyways, this recent convert family, let's call them the Jimenez family. They despite being mexican are very progressive. The father and kids especially.

  I did not have qualms about telling them, but I was planing on telling them in like a year or so.

   So this is how it happened. I was visiting my mission a few months ago, and I was staying with the "Jimenez" family, and the second to the oldest lets call him Juan, was going to be baptized the Sunday that I was there. But he changed his mind like 15 minutes before the service was supposed to start. So his dad the missionaries and I were talking to him and trying to understand what he was thinking and feeling.

   He told us that earlier that day in church as he was watching the 20 minute restoration video he thought to himself this is all made up, the church god and all of that. That is the sentiment he has had before and it seems that he never really quite got that testimony. So he wanted to know logically why there had to be a god so we talked to him for awhile about that, and then he came out with his other doubts, one of them being denying gays the right to marry and homosexuality being wrong. The oldest daughter (lets call her Dharma) also had a problem with that as well. They made the points that I have made as well. If gender is eternal and so important, then why are there hermaphrodites? and many more points that I have thought of myself.

     The missionaries responses were what we have all heard time and again from church leaders. One of the missionaries even talked about homosexuality being a choice, I corrected him on that point, but I could not say what I truly felt with the rest of it.

    The topic of homosexuality had come up before with them when I was still serving my mission, but we had always been able to state the church's position on it and move on to a different topic. This time the discussion was intense, and since I could not express what I felt I left the room.

  "Hno Jimenez" was moving in and out of the room, so I was able to pull him aside and tell him that I wanted to talk to him and his 2 oldest kids about what we had been talking about, but that we couldn't do that till the missionaries left. Later "Dharma" stepped out for a minute and I was able to tell her the same thing.

    So later on the missionaries were going to leave but "Hno Jimenez" found out that they had not eaten, no doubt they had been planning on eating at the baptism which was no longer going to happen. So being the wonderful person that he is "Hno Jimenez" went to go make something and they followed him to the kitchen. 

    So "Dharma" and I were alone in the living room, and she asked me if I could tell her what I wasn't able to tell her with the missionaries there. So in a low whisper I told her I was gay, and started to tell her my story. We ended up going on a walk together so we could continue our conversation because the missionaries ended up coming into the room.

   She told me that she had thought that I was gay, but had thought that I must not have come to terms with it yet.

   When the missionaries left I told "Hno Jimenez" and "Juan" what I had told dharma and a bit more. About halfway through the rest of the family got home. So we drove to the Santa Monica pier to finnish talking. I just did not feel like I should tell the rest of the family at that time.

    One of the things that was so amazing that I pointed out to them as we neared the pier. Is how amazing it is that God placed me there at that time.       There are not that many gay Mormons that choose to go on a mission knowing they are gay that it won't change and believing that gay marriage is right and good. So for me to be sent to people that have an issue with the church's stance on that subject and to boot for me to have been visiting them when the subject came up and actually being able to share with them my story was a miracle. Both "Dharma" and "Hno Jimenez" were blown way just as much as I was. Unfortunately "Juan" thought it was a really big coincidence. Or at least thats what he said, but I'm sure he will come around.

Dating For Gay Mormons.

So I found this gay Mormon social network that is amazing!
  It's kind of like a primitive Facebook. Only  other people that have an account can see your info. And you decide what info you want to put on there.
    I know that some people might be concerned about meeting people online. Don't worry, I had that concern too. From what I can see the people on there just want to find other gay Mormons to date and hopefully someone to spend the rest of their lives with.
  It definitely  seems very secure because you have to take a picture of yourself and a number code they email you so they can make sure that the pictures you upload are really you.
 If you are still thinking you might want to marry the opposite sex or be celibate for the rest of your life, or are unsure what you are going to do with your ssa, there are quite a few people in the same boat on the website as well. So it's not just about dating, it's about connecting with other gay Mormons. And you can search for people by zip code so you can find people near you. Though I must say you have a much greater chance of finding someone near you if you live in Utah. Thank goodness I am moving there next month. There were only 4 people in the Washington dc area from ages 19-30 not including myself.
   Another great thing is that, since I have been using the website the temptation to look at porn has almost left entirely, proving what I said in my last post.
   The website is corinvictus.com

An amazing interview.

   This interview was amazing, I love his thoughts on the subject of homosexuality especially towards the end of the interview. he is able to articulate what I oft times have not been able to.